Hi everyone, what’s the best way to find common ground when you and your partner have different approaches to parenting? Advice needed! Thanks! — Benjamin
Oh, Benjamin, hi! 
That’s such a great question, and trust me, you are NOT alone in wondering about this! My husband and I definitely have our different approaches, especially now with a 9-year-old and a teenager (hello, 13 going on 30! 
) in the house. It’s like navigating a new landscape every few months, isn’t it?
The biggest thing that’s helped us over the years is talking about it – but not in the heat of the moment! Seriously, trying to hash out parenting philosophies when one of the kids has just, say, “decorated” the wall with permanent marker (yep, been there!) is a recipe for disaster. We try to find time when things are calm, maybe after the kids are in bed, to really discuss why we feel a certain way about a rule or a consequence.
A few things we’ve found helpful:
- Find your “non-negotiables”: We sat down and figured out what our absolute core values are for raising our kids. Things like honesty, respect, kindness – those are the big rocks. If a disagreement comes up, we try to see how it aligns (or doesn’t) with those core values. It helps us see the bigger picture.
- Present a united front (as much as possible!): This is a tough one, but so important. Our kids are smart cookies – they figured out pretty quickly if they could play us off each other. So even if one of us isn’t 100% on board with a decision in the moment, we try to back each other up in front of the kids and then discuss it privately later if needed. It’s like, “Okay, I hear Dad said no more screen time, so that’s the rule for now.” Then later, I might chat with him about why he made that call.
- Pick your battles: Honestly, some things just aren’t worth digging your heels in over. Does it really matter if one of us lets them have an extra cookie and the other is a bit stricter? Probably not in the grand scheme of things. We try to save our energy for the bigger stuff.
- Play to your strengths: My husband is amazing at patiently explaining big, complicated things to our 13-year-old, whereas I’m usually better at the emotional check-ins and navigating hurt feelings with our 9-year-old. We try to let each other take the lead where we naturally shine.
- Compromise, compromise, compromise: It’s like any part of a partnership, right? Sometimes it’s about meeting in the middle. Maybe one parent thinks a 7 PM bedtime is right, and the other thinks 8 PM. Can we try 7:30 PM and see how it goes?
- Understand the “why”: Sometimes, understanding why your partner parents a certain way can be a game-changer. Often, it’s rooted in how they were raised. My husband’s parents were quite strict about chores, whereas mine were more relaxed. Once we talked about that, it made so much more sense why he felt strongly about certain responsibilities for the kids.
It’s definitely an ongoing conversation, Benjamin! And it changes as the kids get older, too. What worked when they were toddlers is totally different from what works with a pre-teen and a teenager.
You’re doing a great job just by asking the question and wanting to find that common ground. Sending you lots of encouraging vibes – you’ve got this! Let us know how it goes!
Warmly,
A fellow parent navigating the adventure! 
Hi Benjamin,
Oh, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? “How Should Couples Handle Different Parenting Styles?” If anyone has a perfect answer, I’m all ears! With my own three – a 15-year-old who thinks he knows everything, a 10-year-old who actually might, and a 6-year-old tornado – my husband and I have definitely had our moments (and by moments, I mean full-blown strategic negotiations) over how to handle things.
It’s especially tough when it comes to the online world, I find. For instance, I might be trying to get a handle on what the older ones are up to online, maybe looking at some of those parental control apps. But then you hit the paywall for pretty much any feature that seems genuinely useful, which is frustrating enough. But if my husband isn’t quite on the same page about, say, limiting access to certain games or social media, then what’s the point? The kids are smart; they’ll just go to the parent who’s more likely to say yes, or who isn’t as bothered about checking those app settings. It makes any attempt at a united front feel a bit like herding cats.
Honestly, the only “strategy” that’s worked for us – and it’s definitely not a quick fix – is talking. A lot. Usually when the kids are in bed and we’ve both got a cup of tea (or something stronger!). We try to figure out what our absolute ‘must-haves’ are for rules and safety, and where we can compromise. For example, I’m pretty strict about no phones in bedrooms overnight, especially for the younger two. He might be more focused on ensuring they’re not accessing inappropriate content. We try to find the common ground there – maybe the compromise is devices charge downstairs, and we both agree to check histories, even if we do it in our own way.
It’s less about finding the perfect app (because let’s be honest, most of them promise the moon and then ask for your credit card for basic features) and more about that constant, sometimes tiring, communication with your partner. What specific areas are causing the most friction for you and your partner, Benjamin? Maybe if you share a bit more, some of us who’ve been in similar boats can offer more specific thoughts!
Looking forward to hearing what others think too – always on the lookout for better ideas!
Best,
Barbara
Hi Benjamin (BenParentGuide),
That’s such a thoughtful question, and goodness, it’s one that I think every couple grapples with at some point! My own children are navigating these waters now with their little ones, and I can tell you, even my late husband and I had our moments where we saw things differently, though life felt a bit simpler back then without all this complicated online world to consider!
It really brings to mind my worries for my own grandchildren and their safety online. It’s a constant thought for me – how do we protect these precious little ones from things we can’t always see or understand on the internet, while still giving them the space to grow and learn to be independent, sensible young people? It’s a real tightrope walk, isn’t it?
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not the most tech-savvy Nana on the block – my grandkids often have to show me how to do things on my own phone! But I am so eager to learn, especially when it comes to practical ways to guide them and keep them safe in this digital age. I’ve been doing a bit of reading lately about parental control apps. I haven’t actually used one yet, as I’m still trying to figure out which one might be best – it’s a bit overwhelming! I often wonder if a good, straightforward app could help parents (and even us grandparents!) find some common ground, perhaps by making it easier to gently monitor things or set agreed-upon limits, especially if one parent is more comfortable with technology than the other.
What features do you all think are most helpful in these apps? I imagine something that helps with setting screen time limits or filtering out some of the scarier content would be a real blessing. And it would need to be simple to use, for folks like me! If anyone has any recommendations for apps that are fairly easy to get the hang of, I’d be so grateful to hear them.
From what I’ve learned watching my own family and remembering my own experiences, Benjamin, the absolute cornerstone is communication. When you and your partner see things differently, try to find a calm moment to really, truly listen to each other’s perspectives and understand why you each feel the way you do. Perhaps you can start by agreeing on a few core, non-negotiable rules that you both consistently uphold. For my husband and me, a simple one was always “homework before playing outside.” Maybe for today’s world, it could be something like “no phones or tablets at the dinner table” or “we always talk together before downloading a new game or app.” These small, shared agreements can be a great foundation.
And don’t forget to talk to the children themselves, in an age-appropriate way, about why certain rules are in place. Sometimes, just understanding the “why” can make a big difference. I’ve also been trying to learn a bit about the built-in settings on their devices – sometimes there are simple controls already there that can help manage things without needing a fancy app.
It’s all about finding that middle way, isn’t it? Lots of patience, heaps of love, and endless conversations seem to be the key. I hope these thoughts from an old Nana help a little!
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman