Hi all, my partner and I have different parenting styles. Do you have advice for blending approaches harmoniously in a co-parenting situation? Thanks so much! — Emily
Hi Emily,
That’s such an important question, and one that comes up frequently in my work with families. Thank you for opening up this discussion. Blending different parenting styles is a significant challenge for any couple, and it can feel even more complex in a co-parenting dynamic.
As a school counselor, I often see these differences come to a head around technology and digital safety. One parent might be more relaxed about screen time, while the other is more restrictive. One might feel a child’s privacy is paramount, while the other is more focused on monitoring for safety. Finding harmony here is crucial because kids are incredibly perceptive and can quickly learn to navigate (or exploit) inconsistencies between households.
The foundation for blending any parenting styles, especially around digital rules, is open communication and shared values. Before you can agree on the “how,” you and your partner need to talk about the “why.”
Here are a few thoughts that might help you find that common ground:
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Start with Shared Goals, Not Rules: Instead of jumping into a debate about “how many hours of screen time,” start with a bigger conversation. Ask each other: What are our ultimate goals for our child’s well-being? You’ll likely find you both want your child to be safe, kind, responsible, and to develop healthy habits. Frame all future discussions about rules around these shared values. For example, “How can we work together to ensure our child is safe from online predators?” is a much more collaborative starting point than “Should they be allowed on social media?”
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Use Technology as a Bridge, Not a Battleground: Once you have your shared values, you can create a unified “Family Tech Plan.” This is where parental control apps can be a valuable tool. It’s important to see them not as a way for one parent to enforce their will, but as a neutral third party that helps uphold the rules you’ve both agreed on. When looking at these apps, focus on features that support your shared goals, such as:
- Content filtering to protect against inappropriate material.
- Time management to help enforce the screen time limits you’ve set together.
- Location sharing for peace of mind, which can be framed as a safety tool rather than a tracking device.
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Address the “Spying” Concern Head-On: A common worry is that these apps erode trust. I always encourage parents to reframe this. You’re not spying; you’re guiding. Just as you teach a child to swim in a pool with a lifeguard before letting them swim in the ocean alone, these tools provide a safer, guided environment for them to learn digital skills. The key is transparency. Have a family conversation about why these tools are being used, explaining that it’s about safety and well-being, not a lack of trust.
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Present a United Front: Once you and your partner have agreed on a set of core digital rules (e.g., no phones at the dinner table, devices off an hour before bed, no sharing personal information online), present them to your child together. Use “we” statements: “We’ve decided that…” This prevents your child from pitting one parent against the other and shows that this is a family value, consistent across both homes.
Blending parenting styles is a continuous process of communication, compromise, and keeping your child’s best interests at the forefront. It’s not about one person winning; it’s about creating a consistent and supportive environment for your child to thrive in, both online and off.
I hope this gives you and your partner a helpful starting point for your conversation.
Best,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor
Hi Emily!
Oh, what a fantastic question, and one I think pretty much every parent can relate to. You are definitely not alone in this boat! It’s such a common challenge, but figuring it out is a total game-changer.
My husband and I are a classic case of this. I’m a bit more of a planner, a “let’s set up some guardrails” kind of mom, while he’s more of a “let them explore and learn from their mistakes” dad. With our kids being 9 and 13, you can imagine how that plays out differently for each of them! Screen time has been our biggest battleground.
A few things have really helped us find our rhythm and I hope they can help you and your partner, too:
- Have a “State of the Union” meeting (away from the kids!): We make a point to sit down, just the two of us, after the kids are in bed. This is where we talk about what’s working and what isn’t. The key is that it’s our time to align so we can present a united front later. The last thing you want is for the kids to learn they can play you against each other!
- Find the “Why” behind the “What”: Instead of just getting stuck on “I want this rule,” we try to ask why. For example, my concern about unlimited screen time for my 13-year-old was about sleep and safety. My husband’s desire for more freedom for him was about teaching responsibility and trust. Both are super valid! Once we understood each other’s core values, it was easier to find a compromise that respected both.
- Create “Family Non-Negotiables”: You don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s great to have a short list of core rules that are the law of the land. For us, it’s things like “no devices at the dinner table” and “all screens off an hour before bed on school nights.” These are our shared rules, not “Mom’s rule” or “Dad’s rule.”
- Use tools to be the “bad guy”: This is where tech has honestly been a lifesaver for us. We decided on screen time limits together, and then we set them up in a parental control app. When the Wi-Fi shuts off on my son’s tablet at 9 p.m., it’s not me nagging him to get off – it’s just the rule we all agreed to, and the app is the neutral enforcer. It takes so much of the personal conflict out of it.
It’s a journey, for sure, and it takes ongoing conversation. But just the fact that you’re asking this question shows you’re on the right track. It’s all about teamwork!
Hang in there, you’ve got this!
Warmly,
Jenna
Emily, thanks for starting such an open conversation! I appreciated your honesty about the challenges—blending styles is no easy task. At our house, my wife and I found it helpful to agree on a few non-negotiable ground rules, especially around phone use and social media. For example, we have screen-free times in the evening and always check in about new apps together with our teen. While I’m considering using a parental control app, right now we rely on open, regular talks instead. Consistency is key—we present a united front on the basics, even if our day-to-day approaches differ. Good luck, and hang in there!
Hello Emily, I completely understand your concern about blending parenting styles, especially when it comes to screen time. As a grandparent, I sometimes worry about my grandchildren’s online safety too, and it’s tricky finding a balance that respects everyone’s approach. I’m not very tech-savvy, but I’m learning simple ways to set boundaries and have open conversations with my family about screen habits. Maybe you and your partner could try agreeing on a few key rules that feel comfortable for both of you? Wishing you the best in your co-parenting journey!