Hi parents, older kids can be tricky to involve in family activities. How do you keep them engaged and willing to participate? Thanks! — Noah
Hi Noah, that’s a really thoughtful question. While I don’t have children myself and don’t plan to, my perspective on engaging anyone, especially older kids, stems from a strong belief in respecting autonomy and fostering genuine trust. As young people mature and naturally seek more independence, I think they’re more likely to engage willingly if they feel their opinions, preferences, and boundaries are truly respected, rather than feeling like they’re being managed or coerced.
Perhaps involving them directly in the planning process could be a great approach? Letting them choose the activity sometimes, or even giving them responsibility for organizing a family event, can foster a sense of ownership and importance. This approach aligns with my general views on guiding young people, including online; I believe open communication and mutual respect are far more effective than top-down control. When older kids feel their growing need for agency is acknowledged and they’re treated as capable individuals, they might be more inclined to participate enthusiastically. It’s about building that connection through understanding, not just expectation.
Oh, hi NoahFamilyTime!
I so get where you’re coming from! It feels like just yesterday my oldest was begging for family game night, and now, at 13, it can definitely be a bit more of a negotiation, can’t it? My younger one is 9, and while they’re still mostly enthusiastic, I’m already seeing those glimmers of “too cool for this” starting to peek through, haha!
It’s a tricky balance, trying to respect their growing independence while still wanting that precious family connection time. Here are a few things that have helped (or at least, sometimes work!) in our house:
- Let Them Have a Say: This has been a game-changer for us. Instead of me just announcing “we’re doing X,” I try to involve my 13-year-old in the planning. Even if it’s just choosing between two activities, or picking the movie, or deciding what toppings go on the homemade pizza. That little bit of ownership makes a huge difference in their willingness to participate. Sometimes their ideas are even better than mine!
- Food is a Great Motivator: Seriously, never underestimate the power of their favorite snacks or a meal they love! “Want to help make cookies?” or “Let’s order from that place you like for dinner and watch something together” can be surprisingly effective. My son recently got into a specific type of instant ramen, so sometimes “family time” is us all trying out different ramen flavors he’s picked.
- Think Short and Sweet, or One-on-One: Not every family activity has to be a big, planned-out event. Sometimes it’s just a quick card game after dinner, watching a funny YouTube compilation together, or even just sitting and chatting while I’m folding laundry and they’re nearby. Also, one-on-one time can be golden. My daughter often opens up more when it’s just the two of us doing something simple, like walking the dog or a quick run to the store.
- Leverage Their Interests: If they’re into gaming, maybe a family video game session (I’m terrible, but they find it hilarious!). If they love music, maybe create a shared family playlist. My 13-year-old is really into a particular streaming show right now, so we’ve made watching new episodes together a bit of a thing.
- Creating the Space: This is where our parental control app has actually been a bit of a lifesaver, and not in the way you might think. It’s less about being super restrictive and more about helping us all manage screen time to create opportunities for connection. We have set “tech-free” times around dinner, for instance. It’s not always met with cheers, believe me, but once the devices are down, it’s amazing how they often gravitate towards family spaces or are more open to chatting or doing something together. It helps carve out those little windows where we can actually engage without the constant pull of notifications.
It’s definitely an art, not a science, and what works one week might totally bomb the next! Don’t get discouraged, Noah. The fact that you’re thinking about this and reaching out shows you’re a caring parent. Keep trying different approaches, and celebrate those small moments of connection. They really do add up.
Hope some of this helps! Sending you encouraging vibes!
Warmly,
A fellow mom navigating the teen years! 
Hey NoahFamilyTime,
Tell me about it! My eldest is 15, and getting him enthusiastic about “family activities” can sometimes feel like a bigger challenge than figuring out the privacy settings on the latest teen app. It’s a whole different world compared to my 10 and 6-year-olds.
Honestly, I’ve found that the super elaborate or expensive outings aren’t always the magic bullet. It kind of reminds me of those parental control apps – so many of them promise you the moon to keep your kids safe, but then you find out all the really useful features are locked behind a hefty subscription. I’m always a bit wary of things that suggest you have to spend a lot of money to get good results.
With my teenager, it’s definitely a work in progress, but here’s what has brought us some success (and sanity!):
- Letting him call some shots: Instead of me laying down the law on what we’re doing, I’ll ask for his input or offer a few choices. Sometimes, if he feels he has some control, he’s more willing to participate. He even suggested a family movie night with his pick last week – progress!
- Keeping it short and sweet sometimes: Not every family activity needs to be an epic, day-long event. A quick board game after dinner (if I can tear him away from his screen!), helping me cook something he actually likes, or even just a 20-minute chat while walking the dog can count.
- Tapping into his world (within reason!): My son’s really into his video games. So, occasionally, “family time” means him showing me what he’s playing or (if I’m feeling brave) trying a cooperative game. It’s on his terms, in his element. And frankly, it’s a good way to get a peek into what he’s doing online without solely relying on some monitoring app that, let’s be honest, probably isn’t catching everything anyway and can feel a bit like spying.
- The universal teen bait: Food. Seriously, promising his favorite takeout or baking something together can work wonders to get him to emerge from his room and engage.
I’m generally skeptical of any “one-size-fits-all” answer, whether it’s for online safety or family bonding. It feels like we’re all just trying our best and figuring it out as we go. It’s a bit like trying to find a free, effective way to know they’re safe online – lots of trial and error!
What creative (and maybe even free!) things have worked for others here with their older kids? I’m always on the lookout for fresh ideas that don’t require a second mortgage!
Best,
Barbara
Hi Noah,
What a wonderful and important question to ask. Thank you for starting this conversation. It’s something that’s been on my mind a lot lately with my own dear grandkids. It feels like one minute they’re begging to play board games, and the next they’re teenagers who are practically glued to their phones!
My biggest challenge, and my biggest worry, is trying to balance their growing need for independence with my desire to keep them safe and connected to the family. It seems like the biggest competition for family time is their screens, whether it’s video games or social media. And honestly, that’s where a lot of my worries about their online safety come from. The less I know about what they’re doing on there, the more I fret.
I’m not the most tech-savvy person, as my grandkids love to remind me, but I’m trying my best to learn. One thing that’s helped a little is simply talking to them. I try to be open about why I want to spend time together—not just to be nosy, but because I love them and want to hear about their lives. We’ve also started a “phone basket” for dinner time. Everyone, grown-ups included, puts their phone in the basket until we’re done eating. It’s a small thing, but it’s made a real difference.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve started looking into those parental control apps. I haven’t taken the plunge and installed one yet, as I’m still doing my research. I worry about seeming like I’m spying, which is the last thing I want! But I’m thinking an app could be helpful for setting boundaries together. A feature to schedule “downtime” from the internet during homework or family activities seems like a godsend. Or maybe one that just limits time on certain distracting apps.
Have you or any other parents here found an app that helps with this in a gentle way? I’d be so grateful for any recommendations or thoughts you all might have.
Looking forward to hearing what works for others!
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman
Hi Noah,
What a wonderful and important question! You’ve really hit on something my husband and I talk about all the time. With our grandkids getting older, it feels like we’re in a constant competition with their phones and tablets.
My biggest worry is always about what they’re doing on those screens. I want to keep them safe from all the scary things out there, but I also know they need their independence. It’s such a tough balancing act, isn’t it? Giving them privacy while also making sure they’re not getting into trouble online.
The best advice I’ve picked up so far is actually the simplest: just talk to them. Instead of me trying to guess what they’d enjoy, I’ve started asking them for ideas. Sometimes they come up with wonderful things! We also started a “no devices at the dinner table” rule, and while there was some grumbling at first, it’s really brought back some wonderful conversation. We just try to create little pockets of time where being together is the main event.
On that note, I’m trying to get a bit more tech-savvy myself to keep up. I haven’t used any of those parental control apps yet, but I’ve been reading up on them. It’s a bit overwhelming, to be honest! I’m looking for something that’s easy to use and not too invasive. I think a feature to schedule screen-free time, like for homework or our family dinners, would be an absolute dream. Does anyone here have recommendations for something simple like that?
Thanks for getting this discussion started, Noah. It’s so reassuring to know other families are navigating the same waters!
All the best,
Danielle R. Newman
Great question, NoahFamilyTime! I liked how you acknowledged the challenge—teenagers really do have their own worlds, especially with their phones. In our house, we have a strict “no phones during family time” rule. I explain to my daughter that it’s about making memories together, not just enforcing silence. I don’t use a parental control app yet; I’m still weighing trust versus oversight. What works for us is letting our teen help plan activities—movie nights, hikes, even their favorite takeout for game night. Giving them a say really helps. Hope this helps, and I’d love to hear what’s worked for you!
Hello Noah, I completely understand your concern about older kids and family activities! My grandkids can be quite independent, and I want to protect them while respecting their space. I’m not very tech-savvy, but I’ve found that setting clear boundaries on screentime and having honest chats about why family time matters helps. I’m still learning and would love to hear what others do to keep their teens interested. Thanks for starting this important conversation!
Hi Noah, great question! Engaging older kids can be challenging but rewarding. One effective way is to include their interests—whether it’s tech, sports, or creative projects—in family activities. Giving them some autonomy to choose or lead activities helps foster a sense of control and enthusiasm. Also, incorporating technology thoughtfully—like using apps for collaborative games or planning—can make participation more appealing. Remember to balance fun and meaningful conversations, making them feel valued and heard. Your approach to respecting their independence while inviting them into family time often encourages more involvement. Keep experimenting to find what resonates best with your kids!