Hi everyone, I’m Mike. I want my kids to feel comfortable talking to me about anything, but I sometimes feel like I’m prying. How do you foster open communication without making kids feel pressured? Any tips? Thanks! — Mike
Hey Mike,
That’s a fantastic question, and it’s something I think every parent, myself included, navigates. It’s a fine line between wanting to be involved and not making our kids feel like they’re under a microscope, right?
For me, as a dad who travels frequently for work, fostering that open channel with my sons, Steven (14) and Alex (9), has been crucial. A big part of it is creating a judgment-free zone. When they do open up, I try to listen more than I talk, at least initially. Sometimes they just need to share, not necessarily get a lecture. I’ve also found that being open about my own day, even the small stuff, can make it feel more like a two-way street.
When it comes to topics like online safety, especially with Alex just getting his first phone and Steven being a teen, I’ve learned that transparency is key. We’ve had conversations about why certain safety measures are in place. It’s not about catching them out, but about guiding them and ensuring they understand potential online risks. Explaining the ‘why’ helps them see it as a supportive step, not just a rule. This approach has been really important in maintaining trust, especially as they get older and naturally seek more independence. It’s about partnership in their safety, rather than just me imposing rules from afar when I’m on the road.
It’s definitely an ongoing process, but making them feel heard and understood goes a long way. Hope this helps a bit!
Hi Mike, welcome to the forum!
That’s a fantastic question, and honestly, something I think about all the time with my own three (15, 10, and 6 – quite the handful!). It’s such a tricky balance, isn’t it? You want to know they’re okay and what’s going on in their lives, especially with all the online pressures and things they can stumble into, but you definitely don’t want to feel like you’re prying or make them shut down.
With my oldest, especially, I’ve learned that the “big serious talk” rarely works. It just puts him on the defensive. What I’ve found, and it’s not a magic bullet by any means, is trying to create lots of little opportunities for them to talk, rather than one big interrogation. Sometimes it’s in the car, or when we’re cooking dinner, or even just before bed with my youngest. Those casual moments often seem to be when they open up the most.
And you know, I’ve looked into all sorts of apps and tools, thinking they might help me keep an eye on things. But honestly, so many of them lock the features you really need behind a hefty subscription. It’s frustrating! And I’m a bit skeptical anyway – can an app truly replace genuine trust and open conversation? I worry sometimes that over-reliance on those things can make kids more secretive, not less, if they feel constantly monitored.
One thing I try to do (emphasis on try, because it’s not always easy!) is to listen more than I talk when they do come to me. And to not immediately jump in with solutions or judgments, especially for the older one. Sometimes they just need to vent, and for me to just say, “Wow, that sounds tough.”
We also have a “no devices at the dinner table” rule. It was a battle at first, especially with the teen, but it does mean we actually look at each other and talk. Sometimes it’s silly stuff, but other times, more important things come out then. It’s free, and it forces a bit of connection!
It’s definitely a work in progress, and what works for my 15-year-old is totally different from what works for my 6-year-old. I’m always open to hearing what other parents are doing!
What strategies have others found helpful for this? I’m all ears for practical tips!
Hi Mike (@MikeTalks_83),
That’s such a wonderful and important question you’ve asked! Finding that balance between wanting to know our kids and grandkids are okay and not making them feel like they’re under a microscope is a real tightrope walk, isn’t it? I think every parent and grandparent worries about that.
I’ve been reading through this discussion on “How Do You Build Open Communication at Home?” here on the forum, and it’s heartwarming to see so many thoughtful contributions on this vital topic. It’s clear we all want what’s best for our young ones.
For me, as a grandparent, this is on my mind a lot, especially with my grandkids getting older and exploring the world – particularly online. My biggest worry is definitely their safety in that digital space. I so desperately want to protect them, but at the same time, I know how important it is for them to develop their independence and feel trusted. It’s a real pull in two directions!
I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the most tech-savvy person – my grandkids often teach me a thing or two about my own phone! But I’m really trying to learn, because so much of their world is online now. Open communication feels even more crucial because of that; it’s my best window into understanding what they’re experiencing and how they’re navigating it all.
It’s actually this desire to understand and gently guide them online that’s got me looking into parental control apps. I haven’t taken the plunge with one yet, as I’m still doing my research. I’m hoping to find something that helps me ensure they’re not stumbling into anything too harmful – perhaps by filtering out really unsuitable content or letting me know if they encounter something worrying. The goal for me wouldn’t be to spy, heavens no, but to have a tool that can support our conversations and help me protect them, rather than replace those important chats. I’d love it if an app could also help me understand their online environment better, so our talks can be more informed. Does anyone have recommendations for apps that are good for this, and perhaps easy for a not-so-techy grandparent to get the hang of? I’m looking for features that encourage safety and discussion, more than just tracking.
As for your question, Mike, about fostering that open communication without pressure, here are a few simple things I’ve found helpful with my own grandkids (and my kids when they were younger!):
- Casual Chat Times: One thing I’ve found works wonders is simply making time for those casual, ‘no pressure’ chats. Sometimes it’s when we’re baking cookies together, pottering in the garden, or when I’m driving them to an activity. The less it feels like an ‘official talk’ or an interrogation, the more they seem to open up naturally.
- Share a Little About Yourself: I also try to share a little about my own day or silly things I’m thinking about – nothing too heavy, of course! But I think it helps them see that sharing goes both ways and that it’s normal and okay to talk about everyday ups and downs.
- Listen More, React Less (Initially!): This is a hard one for me sometimes, as my instinct is to jump in and fix things! But I’m learning the power of truly listening without interrupting or immediately offering solutions or judgments, unless they specifically ask for advice. Sometimes they just need to be heard, and feeling that you’re a safe space for their thoughts builds so much trust.
- Use “I’ve noticed…” instead of “You always…” or “Why did you…?”: Phrasing things gently can make a big difference. Instead of “Why were you on that website?”, perhaps “I noticed you were looking at a new game online, tell me about it?”
- Family Guidelines – Together: We’ve also talked about setting some simple family guidelines together, especially around things like screen time and what’s okay (and not okay) to share online. When they’re part of creating those boundaries, they seem to understand and respect them more.
It’s all a learning process, isn’t it, Mike? And it changes as they grow! So glad we have places like this forum to share ideas and support each other.
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman