Hi everyone, when siblings fight over toys, how do you handle the situation to keep the peace and teach sharing? Thanks! — Noah
Hi NoahPeaceToys, and welcome to the forum!
Oh goodness, the classic “toy tug-of-war”! I so remember those days, and even now with my 9-year-old and 13-year-old, though the “toys” might look a bit different (hello, game controllers and who gets the good charging cable! 
), the principles are pretty much the same. It’s definitely a challenge we’ve all navigated, so you’re not alone!
With my two, especially when they were younger and both wanted the exact same brightly colored block (you know the one!), we tried a few different things:
- The Timer is Your Friend: For toys that could be shared, setting a timer was a lifesaver. “Okay, you get it for 10 minutes, then it’s your sibling’s turn.” It gave a clear, impartial signal for when the switcheroo needed to happen. Sometimes just knowing they will get a turn helps a lot.
- “Toy Timeout”: If the squabbling got too much and they just couldn’t work it out, sometimes the toy itself would go into “timeout” on a high shelf. The logic was, “If we can’t play nicely with it, then no one gets to play with it for a little while.” This often helped them realize that cooperation was better than losing the toy altogether!
- Facilitating, Not Forcing (too much!): Instead of just saying “Share!”, I’d try to guide them. “Hmm, it looks like you both want this. How can we solve this problem so you both feel okay?” Sometimes they’d come up with their own solutions, like playing with it together or finding another fun toy for the other child. It’s a slow process teaching those negotiation skills, but so worth it.
- Acknowledging “Special” Toys: We also talked about how some toys are extra special to one person and might not always be for general sharing, especially if it was a birthday gift or something they saved up for. That helped teach respect for personal belongings too, though with communal toys, sharing was definitely the expectation.
- Modeling and Praising: Catching them sharing nicely and praising it big time (“Wow, that was so kind of you to let your brother have a turn! That makes me so happy!”) really seemed to help. And, of course, they see us adults sharing things, so that helps reinforce it too.
Honestly, teaching sharing is one of those ongoing parenting lessons, isn’t it? It takes a lot of patience and repetition. Some days are smoother than others, and even now, my kids still have moments where they need a gentle reminder about taking turns or being considerate.
Hang in there! You’re doing a great job by looking for ways to foster peace and teach these important skills. Every little step counts. Hope some of these ideas help a bit!
Warmly,
A fellow mom navigating the adventure! (Mom of a 9yo and 13yo here 
)
Hi NoahPeaceToys,
That’s such a classic and important question! Sibling squabbles over toys are a near-universal experience for families, and something we see parallels of in school settings too when it comes to sharing resources or attention. It’s definitely a challenge, but also a fantastic opportunity to teach some really valuable life skills.
From my experience working with children and families, the most effective approach often centers on fostering open communication and helping children understand each other’s perspectives, rather than just imposing a solution. Here are a few thoughts and strategies that might help:
- Acknowledge Feelings & Encourage Expression: Before jumping to solutions, try to help each child articulate why they want the toy at that moment. You can say things like, “I see you both want the red car. Noah, can you tell me what you’d like to do with it? And Sarah, what were your plans for the car?” Sometimes, just feeling heard can diffuse some of the tension. This builds their emotional vocabulary and teaches them to express needs constructively.
- Guide Problem-Solving, Don’t Just Dictate: Instead of always being the referee who decides who gets the toy, try to guide them to a solution. Ask questions like, “This is a tricky one. We have two children and one toy. What are some fair ways we could solve this?” You might suggest options if they’re stuck, such as:
- Taking turns: Using a timer can be very effective here, making it feel impartial.
- Playing together: Is there a way they can incorporate the toy into a game they both play?
- Finding a similar alternative: “Is there another toy that would be just as fun while you wait for your turn?”
- Establish Clear Expectations & Boundaries (Proactively): It’s helpful to have general family rules or understandings about sharing that you discuss at calm times, not just in the heat of the moment. This could be about certain toys being “special” and not for sharing without permission, while others are communal. Consistency here is key. These are the foundational steps for understanding boundaries in many areas of life.
- Teach Empathy: Encourage them to think about how their sibling might be feeling. “How do you think it makes your brother feel when you grab the toy from him?” This helps build that crucial skill of considering others.
- The “Toy Timeout”: Sometimes, if the fighting is persistent and they can’t reach a resolution with your guidance, the toy itself might need a “timeout.” This isn’t a punishment for the children as much as a natural consequence: “If this toy is causing so much upset, maybe it needs to rest for a little while until we can all agree on how to play with it peacefully.”
- Focus on the Long Game: Remember, each of these instances is a learning opportunity. The goal isn’t just to stop the immediate fight, but to equip your children with the skills to navigate social situations, compromise, and manage frustration. This builds trust between them and also with you, as they see you as a fair and supportive guide.
Fostering that open line of communication where children feel safe to express their wants and frustrations, and where they learn to listen to others, is so vital. It’s the bedrock of a strong family dynamic and helps them develop skills they’ll use in all their relationships.
It takes patience and repetition, but you’re helping them build a really important toolkit for life.
Hope this gives you a few ideas!
Warmly,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor
Hi Noah,
What a wonderful question. It feels like the age-old challenge for parents and grandparents, doesn’t it? It seems like just yesterday my own children were squabbling over a toy car, and now I see the same thing with my grandkids. It really tugs at your heartstrings because you want them to be the best of friends.
Lately, I’ve noticed that the “toy” they fight over the most is the tablet. It’s the new shiny red truck! This brings on a whole new layer of worries for me. I so desperately want to protect them from all the scary things on the internet, but I also know they need to learn to be independent and navigate their own little worlds. It’s such a tricky balance.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not very tech-savvy. All these new apps and settings can make my head spin! But I’m determined to learn. My main strategy so far has been setting clear boundaries, just like with regular toys. We have a rule that screen time is a “one at a time” activity, and we use a simple kitchen timer to make sure everyone gets a fair turn. It helps avoid some of the arguments before they even start.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading about those parental control apps, though I haven’t taken the plunge and installed one yet. I’m trying to find one that’s simple to use. Ideally, I’d love something that could help me manage how much time they spend on the device and maybe give me a gentle peek at what they’re looking at, just for peace of mind. I don’t want to be a spy, but I do want to be a responsible grandparent. Have you or anyone else here found an app that’s good for a beginner?
The most helpful thing I’ve discovered is simply talking. We have a little chat before they use the tablet about what they plan to do, and we have a rule that they must ask before downloading a new game. It opens the door for conversation.
It’s a new world for us grandparents, that’s for sure! Looking forward to hearing how others handle this.
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman
Hi Noah,
What a wonderful and timeless question. It feels like a situation every parent and grandparent has faced! I remember with my own children, we used to use a simple kitchen timer. Each child got the toy for a set amount of time, and when the timer dinged, it was time to switch. If the fighting continued, the toy went into a “time out” on a high shelf for the rest of the day. It seemed to teach them that if they couldn’t figure out how to share peaceably, then nobody got to play with it.
It’s funny you bring this up, because this exact issue has me thinking so much about the modern version of fighting over toys: my grandkids and their tablets and video games. It’s not just a teddy bear anymore, but who gets control of the screen.
My biggest worry is keeping them safe in those digital spaces. It’s a whole new world, and honestly, I’m not the most tech-savvy person. I want to protect my grandkids, Leo and Maya, from seeing things they shouldn’t, but I also want to give them space to learn and be independent. It’s such a tricky balance.
The best tip I’ve discovered so far is just talking to them, the same way we would about sharing a physical toy. We’ve set up some simple “house rules” for devices, like no screens at the dinner table and a one-hour limit after homework. Having those boundaries seems to help prevent the fights before they start.
I’ve been doing a lot of research into parental control apps lately, but I haven’t taken the plunge and installed one yet. There are so many options! I’m hoping to find something that can help me set time limits and maybe filter out inappropriate content, without making it feel like I’m spying on them. Finding that balance of trust and safety is so important. Has anyone here had any luck with a particular app that’s easy for a grandparent to use?
Thanks for starting this conversation, Noah. It’s so helpful to hear how everyone else is handling these things, both online and off.
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman