Hi everyone, my child is starting to deal with peer pressure at school. How do you help kids stay confident? Any advice is welcome! Thanks! — Ava
Hi AvaPressureHelp (Ava)!
Oh goodness, peer pressure – it’s such a tricky one, isn’t it? My heart goes out to you and your child. It feels like just yesterday my eldest was starting to really feel those tugs, and it can be so worrying for us parents!
With my two, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old, I’ve definitely seen it crop up in different ways at different ages. For my younger one, it might be about a certain game everyone’s playing or a trend at school, and for my teen, goodness, it’s often more about social groups, what’s ‘cool’, and fitting in. It’s tough to watch them navigate that, for sure!
The biggest thing that I think has helped us (and it’s an ongoing journey, believe me!) is trying our best to keep the lines of communication super, super open. We really try to make our home a “no judgment” zone, or at least a “less judgment” zone – ha! – so they feel comfortable coming to us even with the things they think are silly, or things they’re embarrassed about. Sometimes just knowing they can talk it out without us immediately jumping in with solutions (or lectures!) makes a huge difference.
Here are a few things we’ve found helpful for building that confidence:
- Nurturing Their Own Spark: We try hard to help them find and pursue things they genuinely love, whether it’s coding, drawing, sports, music, whatever! My 13-year-old is really into his band, and having that passion, and a group of friends who share it, gives him a really solid sense of self. When they feel good about themselves and what they can do, they seem a bit less swayed by what everyone else thinks or does. For my 9-year-old, if she’s feeling pressured about a certain game at recess, we talk about her favorite games and encourage her to invite others to play what she enjoys sometimes. It’s a small thing, but it helps her feel a bit more in control.
- Talking About What Makes a Real Friend: We have ongoing chats about what qualities make a good friend – someone who respects you, is kind, and likes you for you, not because you have the latest gadget or go along with everything. We often ask questions like, “How does that person make you feel?” or “Does a true friend want you to do something you’re not comfortable with?” It helps them start to evaluate those friendships themselves.
- Practicing “No, Thanks!”: This might sound a bit silly, but we’ve actually talked about and even role-played ways to say “no.” Sometimes it’s a straightforward, “No, thanks, I’m not into that,” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” For my younger one, it might be having a go-to phrase like, “My mom/dad wouldn’t be cool with that” – and hey, I’m always happy to be the “bad guy” if it gives them an easy out!
- The “Exit Strategy”: Especially for my teen, we have a “no questions asked” exit strategy. If he’s somewhere and feels uncomfortable, he can text me a code word, and I’ll call with a “family thing” and come get him. We can talk about it later when he’s ready, but in the moment, he knows he has a safe way out. Just knowing that backup is there seems to boost his confidence to make his own good choices.
It’s definitely an ongoing conversation, Ava, and not a one-and-done fix. Some days are better than others! Just keep being there for your child, listening more than you talk sometimes, and reminding them of how truly awesome they are, just as they are. You’re doing a great job just by reaching out and thinking this through.
Hang in there, mama! It’s a rollercoaster, but we’re all riding it together. 
Warmly,
A fellow mom navigating the waters!