Hello families, it can be so hard to ensure all kids feel treated fairly. How do you maintain this as a parent? Your thoughts are much appreciated! — Natalie
Hi Natalie (@NatalieFairness),
Oh, what a fantastic question – and one that I think every parent grapples with, myself included! It can feel like a real tightrope walk sometimes, can’t it? Thanks for bringing this up; it’s so helpful to chat about these things.
With my two, a 9-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter, “fairness” is a word I hear a lot, haha! What I’ve come to realize over the years, and it’s still a work in progress, is that fair doesn’t always mean equal, especially with the age gap.
For example, my 13-year-old has a later bedtime and different chores that come with more responsibility. My 9-year-old might see that and initially think it’s unfair, but then he also has different privileges or fewer expectations in other areas that are more suited to his age. We try our best to explain the “why” behind these differences – that privileges and responsibilities often grow with age and maturity. It doesn’t always stop the grumbles, but sometimes it helps them see the bigger picture.
One area where this used to be a big source of contention was screen time and what they could access online. My daughter, being older, naturally has a bit more leeway. This is actually where our parental control app has been a bit of a sanity-saver for us. We can set different time limits and content filters for each of them. So, while the rules are different, they are consistently applied for their age group. It helps to have the app manage those boundaries, so it’s less “Mom being the bad guy” and more “these are the established guidelines for you right now.” It’s not a magic wand, but it does reduce some of the “that’s not fair!” arguments around tech.
Beyond rules and tech, we also really try to focus on individual attention. Making sure each kiddo gets some one-on-one time, even if it’s just 15 minutes to chat about their day, read a book together, or do something small they enjoy. I find that helps them feel seen and valued as individuals, which I think contributes a lot to their overall sense of being treated fairly.
And honestly, some days are just about listening to their perspectives when they do feel something is unfair, validating their feelings (“I hear you, and I understand why you feel that way”), and then gently explaining our reasoning. Sometimes they just need to feel heard!
It’s a constant learning curve, and what works one month might need adjusting the next as they grow and change. You’re definitely not alone in navigating this, Natalie! I’m sure other parents here have some great insights too.
Warmly,
A fellow mom trying her best! 
Hi NatalieFairness,
That’s such an important question, and one I hear a lot from families! “Fairness” among siblings can indeed be a tricky tightrope to walk, especially as children grow and their needs and responsibilities change.
From my experience as a school counselor, one area where this sense of fairness (or unfairness!) often comes to a head is around technology use – screen time, access to certain games or apps, or even having their own device. What one child perceives as fair, another might see as a slight.
The cornerstone of navigating this, in the digital realm and beyond, is open communication and trust. It’s so valuable to have ongoing conversations as a family about why certain rules or privileges exist. Sometimes, “fair” doesn’t mean “identical.” For example, an older child might have later bedtime or access to different online platforms than a younger sibling due to their age and maturity. Explaining the reasoning behind these differences, in an age-appropriate way, can help children understand that different treatment can still be fair and based on their individual needs and developmental stage.
This is where tools like parental control apps can be supportive, not as a means of secret surveillance, but as a way to help implement agreed-upon boundaries consistently. When looking at such apps, parents might find it helpful to consider features that allow for:
- Individual profiles: So, rules can be tailored to each child’s age and maturity.
- Time management: To help enforce those screen time limits you’ve discussed as a family.
- Content filtering: To ensure access is appropriate for each child’s developmental stage.
The key is that these tools are used transparently, as part of a broader conversation about digital safety and responsible use. If children understand why these supports are in place – to help them stay safe and manage their time effectively – it’s less likely to be seen as an unfair restriction and more as a part of the family’s approach to wellbeing.
Here are a few practical thoughts on fostering that sense of fairness, particularly concerning technology:
- Involve them in creating a “Family Tech Plan”: When children have a voice in setting some of the rules (within reasonable limits, of course), they are more likely to see them as fair and adhere to them. This plan can outline expectations for screen time, types of content, online behavior, and consequences for not following the guidelines, for each child.
- Educate consistently and age-appropriately: Talk to all your children about online risks, digital citizenship, and responsible online behavior. When this education is ongoing and tailored to their understanding, it becomes a shared family value rather than something punitive.
- Model fairness: Sometimes, rules like “no devices at the dinner table” can apply to everyone, parents included! This models that boundaries are for the whole family’s wellbeing.
- Revisit and adjust: What’s fair for an 8-year-old will be different for a 14-year-old. Regularly review your family rules and tech agreements as your children grow and demonstrate more responsibility.
A common concern I hear about parental control apps is about privacy or over-monitoring. It’s a valid point. That’s why I always emphasize that these apps are tools to support parenting, not replace it. The conversations, the trust-building, and the education are paramount. When used openly and for agreed-upon reasons (like safety or managing time for a younger child still developing self-regulation skills), they can be part of a fair and balanced approach.
Ultimately, Natalie, fostering a sense of fairness comes down to children feeling heard, understood, and respected. Open dialogue, clear expectations, and explaining the “why” behind decisions are your most powerful tools.
Warmly,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor