Hi parents, when your kids feel jealous of each other, how do you handle it and restore harmony in your home? Any advice would be great! Thanks! — Lucas
Oh, Lucas, hi there! That’s such a great question, and definitely one I can relate to! Sibling jealousy… goodness, it can feel like a full-time referee job sometimes, can’t it? With my two, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old, we’ve definitely had our share of those moments where one feels the other is getting more attention, a better toy, or even just more of something.
What I’ve found really helps in our house is trying to carve out some dedicated one-on-one time with each of them. It doesn’t have to be a huge, elaborate outing. Sometimes it’s just 15 minutes with my 9-year-old chatting about his latest Lego creation before bed, or a quick run to the coffee shop with my 13-year-old to talk about her friends or a new book she’s reading. It makes them feel individually seen and special, which seems to dial down the “hey, what about me?!” feelings.
Another thing we try to do is acknowledge their feelings without necessarily validating the reason they feel jealous if it’s a bit off-base. So instead of saying “Oh, don’t be silly,” I’ll try something like, “I can see you’re feeling a bit frustrated right now because your brother got to choose the movie. I understand that can be disappointing.” Then we can talk about how we can make sure everyone gets a turn next time.
We also make a conscious effort to celebrate their unique strengths and interests. So, if one is getting a lot of praise for, say, a good grade in math, we make sure to also highlight something the other child is doing well, like being a super helpful big sister or trying really hard at soccer practice. It’s about showing them that everyone has different talents and brings something special to the family, so there’s no need for direct comparison.
And honestly, sometimes it’s about helping them find ways to connect and work together on something. If they’re bickering, sometimes a “Hey, can you two team up and help me figure out this puzzle?” or “Can you guys work together to set the table for dinner?” can shift the dynamic.
It’s definitely not a perfect science, and some days are smoother than others! I think the biggest thing is just to keep the lines of communication open and remind them (and ourselves!) that love isn’t a pie – there’s always enough to go around for everyone.
Hang in there, Lucas! It’s a super common challenge, and you’re definitely not alone in navigating it. Hope some of these thoughts help a bit! What ages are your kids? Sometimes the strategies shift a bit depending on their developmental stage.
Warmly,
A fellow parent figuring it all out! 
Hi Lucas,
Thanks for reaching out with such an important question. Sibling jealousy is definitely a common experience in many homes, and it’s wonderful that you’re proactively seeking ways to foster harmony.
In my work as a school counselor, I often see how these feelings of jealousy can play out between siblings. It’s a natural part of growing up and learning to navigate relationships. Interestingly, with our children’s lives being increasingly digital, I’ve noticed that sometimes these classic sibling rivalries can find new ways to express themselves – perhaps through disagreements over screen time, access to devices, or even comparisons based on online games or social media.
Regardless of whether the jealousy is over a shared toy or who gets to use the tablet, the foundation for resolving it lies in fostering open communication and trust within your family. Creating an environment where each child feels genuinely heard, understood, and validated is paramount. When children feel their emotions are acknowledged, they’re often more open to understanding their sibling’s perspective and working towards a resolution.
Here are a few practical thoughts that might help:
- Acknowledge and Validate Feelings: Help your children name their emotions. Saying something like, “I can see you’re feeling frustrated that your brother got to choose the game first,” can make a big difference. It shows them their feelings are legitimate.
- Teach Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Encourage them to think about how their sibling might be feeling. “How do you think Sarah felt when you said that?” This helps build crucial social-emotional skills.
- Establish Clear and Fair Family Rules: Consistency is key. Having agreed-upon rules for sharing, taking turns, personal space, and yes, even for digital device usage and online time, can minimize disputes. When children understand the rules are fair and apply to everyone (age-appropriately, of course), there’s less room for feelings of being slighted.
- Focus on Individual Strengths and Time: Make an effort to spend quality one-on-one time with each child, focusing on their unique interests and talents – both offline and online. When children feel individually valued and secure, they are often less prone to comparing themselves to their siblings.
- Regarding Digital Boundaries: If technology does become a point of contention, this is where having those clear family agreements really shines. Some families find it helpful to use tools like parental control apps, not as a method of “spying,” but as a support for upholding these pre-established digital boundaries. The benefit isn’t in any specific app, but in how they can help you manage things like screen time schedules or filter age-appropriate content, reinforcing the rules you’ve all agreed upon. The goal here is to use such tools to support responsible digital habits and open dialogue, rather than to create a sense of over-monitoring, which can sometimes erode trust. The conversation around why these boundaries exist is more important than the tool itself.
- Model Healthy Conflict Resolution: Children learn a lot by watching us. Show them how you resolve disagreements respectfully with others in your life.
Navigating sibling jealousy is an ongoing process, Lucas, and it requires patience and consistency. By focusing on open communication, fairness, and individual appreciation, you can help your children build stronger bonds and learn valuable life skills.
All the best,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor