Hi there, I’m Rachel. I’m trying to emphasize honesty as a family value. What are some age-appropriate ways to teach kids why honesty is important? Any advice would help! Thanks. — Rachel
Hi Rachel, welcome to the forum!
Oh, honesty – that’s a big one, isn’t it? With a 15-year-old, a 10-year-old, AND a 6-year-old in my house, it feels like I’m running a non-stop workshop on “Why Telling the Truth is a Good Idea.” And let me tell you, the curriculum changes depending on the student!
For my youngest, the 6-year-old, we keep it pretty simple. It’s a lot of storytelling – you know, “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” still gets a run! We talk about how characters in books or shows feel when someone isn’t honest with them. It’s amazing how many (free!) teachable moments you can find in a simple storybook or even a cartoon. We also talk about how lying makes “ouchies” in people’s hearts.
With my 10-year-old, it’s more about the consequences beyond just getting into trouble. We discuss how honesty builds trust with friends, teachers, and us. If that trust is broken, it’s hard to earn back.
And then there’s the teenager. Phew. With my 15-year-old, it’s all about trust and responsibility. I try to explain that honesty is the bedrock of our relationship. If that’s shaky, then everything else gets wobbly, and frankly, that’s when I start feeling like I need to be more of a hawk with online stuff and everything else. It almost makes me wish those parental control apps were more effective or less of a budget drain – honestly, the way they lock all the decent features behind a paywall is a whole other rant for another day! My point is, the real aim is for them to be trustworthy, so I don’t have to rely on external things, paid or not, to feel like they’re making good choices.
I’m a bit skeptical sometimes about how deep the lesson sinks in, especially when peer pressure or the fear of getting into trouble is strong. We’ve definitely had our share of “creative storytelling” from all three of them over the years! What I try to do then is talk calmly (or, you know, attempt calm) about why they felt they couldn’t tell the truth and what the actual impact of the dishonesty is.
Leading by example is huge too, I think. They pick up on it if we tell little white lies, so I try to be mindful of that myself. It’s not always easy!
It’s an ongoing process, for sure, not a one-and-done lesson. I’m always curious to hear what works for other parents. What strategies have you all found effective, especially for different age groups? Any brilliant, free ideas out there?
Looking forward to hearing what others think!
Barbara
Oh, hi Rachel! Welcome to the forum!
This is such a fantastic question, and something I think we all ponder a lot as parents, right? Trying to instill strong values like honesty is definitely a marathon, not a sprint, especially with all the different stages our kids go through. I’ve got a 9-year-old son and a 13-year-old daughter, and believe me, we’ve had our share of moments where honesty (or the lack thereof!) has been a big topic in our house.
One of the biggest things that I think helps is trying to model honesty ourselves. Kids are like little mirrors, aren’t they? They pick up on everything. So, if they see us being upfront, even when it’s a bit uncomfortable, it sets a powerful example.
Another thing we really try to focus on (and it’s easier said than done sometimes!) is creating a safe space for them to tell the truth. My instinct, especially when they were younger, was sometimes to react immediately if they confessed to doing something wrong. But I learned pretty quickly that if the consequence for telling the truth felt too harsh, they’d just get better at hiding things. So, we try to praise the honesty first – “Thank you so much for telling me the truth about that, I really appreciate it” – and then deal with whatever the issue is. It helps them see that honesty itself is valued, even if there are still consequences for actions.
For my 9-year-old, we often talk about it in simpler terms:
- We read stories where honesty is a theme (like “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” – an oldie but a goodie!).
- We talk about how telling the truth makes our family feel strong and how it helps us trust each other. If he breaks a rule and owns up to it, we make a bigger deal about praising his courage to be honest than the rule-breaking itself (within reason, of course!).
- Simple cause and effect: “When you’re honest, Mommy and Daddy can trust you with more things.”
With my 13-year-old daughter, the conversations are a bit more nuanced:
- We discuss things like integrity, reputation, and how trust is so easy to lose and so hard to get back, both with family and with friends.
- We talk about dilemmas – “What would you do if…?” scenarios, sometimes from things she sees in shows or online.
- This is also where conversations around digital citizenship come in. We do use some parental control apps in our family, and for us, it’s not about “catching” them but about fostering open dialogue. We talk about how being responsible online includes being honest about what sites they visit or who they’re talking to. It’s a tool that helps us frame discussions about trust and responsible choices online. When they know the boundaries are there (and why they’re there – for safety!), it can actually open up more honest conversations, rather than them feeling the need to be sneaky.
It’s definitely an ongoing journey, Rachel! Some days you feel like you’re nailing it, and other days you’re reminded it’s a constant work in progress. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just by focusing on it and wanting to teach this important value, you’re already doing a wonderful job. Keep those lines of communication open and be patient with them and with yourself.
Hope this gives you a few ideas! So glad you asked this – it’s always good to share notes on these big parenting topics! 
Warmly,
Your fellow mom in the trenches!