Hi parents, sometimes it’s hard not to show biases. What are your tips for avoiding favoritism among siblings? Thanks! — Liam
Oh, hi LiamFairGuide! 
This is such a fantastic question, and goodness, it’s something I think about all the time with my two – my daughter is 13 now, and my son is 9. You’re so right, it can be a real tightrope walk sometimes, can’t it? Our intentions are always to be fair, but kids are so good at sensing even the tiniest shift!
One thing I’ve really tried to lean into is focusing on meeting their individual needs rather than striving for exact “equality” in everything. What my 13-year-old needs from me (hello, navigating friendships and more independence!) is so different from what my 9-year-old needs (more hands-on help with homework and lots of cuddles still!). If I tried to give them the exact same things, it actually wouldn’t feel fair to either of them, if that makes sense? So, I explain that fairness isn’t always about “same,” but about “what you need.”
Dedicated one-on-one time has been a game-changer for us. Even if it’s just 15-20 minutes a day – reading a book with my son, or just chatting with my daughter about her day while we fold laundry (glamorous, I know! 
). It makes them feel seen and heard as individuals, which I think helps a lot.
I also try to be really mindful of my language, especially with praise. Instead of general “you’re so smart” (which can sometimes feel like it’s directed more at one than the other, depending on their strengths), I try to praise specific efforts or actions: “I really loved how patiently you worked through that tricky math problem,” or “It was so kind of you to share with your sister.” This way, the praise feels earned and specific to them.
And you know, sometimes it even comes down to the digital world! We use a parental control app, and while the settings are different for my 9-year-old versus my 13-year-old (different time limits, different app access, etc.), I try to make sure the principles behind the rules are consistent. We talk about why certain restrictions are in place for safety or to encourage other activities. It helps them understand that the rules are tailored to their age and maturity, not just Mom picking favorites. For example, they both have wind-down times before bed where devices go away, but the 13-year-old’s starts a bit later.
It’s definitely an ongoing learning process, and some days I feel like I nail it, and other days… well, not so much! 
The most important thing is that we’re aware of it and trying our best. Kids are pretty forgiving when they know you’re coming from a place of love.
Hang in there – it sounds like you’re a really thoughtful parent just by asking this question! Would love to hear what others find helpful too.
Warmly,
A fellow mom of two 
Hi LiamFairGuide,
That’s a really thoughtful question, and it’s something many parents work hard to navigate. Avoiding even the perception of favoritism is so important for fostering healthy sibling relationships and individual self-esteem. It’s a common concern I hear from families.
From my experience as a school counselor, I’ve seen that open communication is truly foundational. When children feel they can express their feelings – including if they feel one sibling is being favored – without fear of dismissal, it opens the door for understanding and resolution. It’s about creating that safe space for dialogue within the family, building trust that their concerns will be taken seriously.
A key point I often discuss with families is the difference between treating children equally and treating them fairly. What’s appropriate for an older child isn’t always right for a younger one, and vice-versa. This applies to responsibilities, privileges, and even expectations around behavior, including their online lives. For instance, in today’s digital world, access to devices and online privileges can often become a point of contention. Ensuring that rules around screen time, app usage, or online communication are fair, age-appropriate, and clearly explained for each child can prevent perceptions of favoritism in this area. It’s less about specific tools one might use to manage these things, and more about the transparent communication and consistent application of these family agreements. Explaining the ‘why’ behind different rules for different children, based on their age, maturity, or specific needs, can make a world of difference.
Setting clear, consistent expectations and boundaries for all children, tailored to their age and developmental stage, is also vital. When rules are understood and applied consistently across the board (while still being age-appropriate), it reduces the chances of one child feeling unfairly singled out or another feeling overly indulged. This consistency builds trust and a sense of security, as children know what to expect.
Finally, making an effort to spend quality one-on-one time with each child, focusing on their individual interests and needs, helps them feel uniquely valued and seen. This doesn’t have to be elaborate, but dedicated, focused attention can go a long way in counteracting any potential feelings of being overlooked and reinforcing their individual importance within the family.
It’s an ongoing journey, Liam, and being mindful of it, as you are, is a great first step. Fostering that open family dynamic where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued for who they are is key.
Hope these insights are helpful!
Warmly,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor
Hi Liam,
What a thoughtful question. It’s something that weighs on my mind a lot, especially as a grandparent. It’s so important for each child to feel uniquely loved and valued.
And thank you, SarahP, for your comment before mine. Your point about scheduling dedicated one-on-one time is just wonderful advice. It’s a classic for a reason!
For me, Liam, this whole issue of fairness has really come into focus with all the technology my grandkids are using. It’s the new frontier of parenting and grandparenting, isn’t it? I worry constantly about keeping them safe online, but I also want them to have their independence and not feel like I’m hovering over their shoulder.
My biggest challenge right now is that my grandkids are different ages, so what’s appropriate for the older one isn’t for the younger one. This can sometimes look like favoritism. The 13-year-old gets more screen time and has a phone, while the 9-year-old has more restrictions. Explaining that “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal” is a conversation we have a lot!
I’ll be honest, I’m not very tech-savvy, but I am determined to learn. I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and I keep hearing about parental control apps. I haven’t tried one yet because I’m still trying to find the right fit. It feels a little overwhelming! I’d love to find something simple that could help me set time limits or see what apps they’re using, just for my own peace of mind. Does anyone here have recommendations for an app that’s easy for a grandparent to get the hang of?
The best tip I’ve discovered so far is having open conversations. We have a “tech talk” every so often where we discuss the rules. I try to explain why the rules are in place – that it’s all about safety, not about punishing them or liking one more than the other. We also set up “device-free” zones in the house, like the dinner table, which applies to everyone (including me and their parents!), so that helps make things feel more balanced.
It’s such a tricky path to walk. Thanks for opening up this discussion!
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman
Hi LiamFairGuide,
What a thoughtful and important question to ask. It’s something that weighs on my mind a lot with my own grandchildren. It’s so easy to connect with each of them in different ways, and I constantly worry about making sure they both feel equally loved and valued. It’s a tricky balancing act, isn’t it?
This is a concern that really comes to the forefront for me when I think about their online activities. My grandkids are getting to that age where they’re more independent online, and while I want to respect that, my heart is in my throat half the time worrying about what they’re seeing and who they’re talking to.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not very tech-savvy, but I’m trying my best to catch up! One area where this idea of fairness comes up is with rules around their devices. I’ve found that setting clear, consistent boundaries for everyone is a big help. For example, the rule in my house is “no phones at the dinner table,” and that applies to me, their parents when they visit, and both of the grandkids. It makes it feel like a family rule, not like I’m picking on one of them.
I haven’t actually started using a parental control app yet, but I’ve been doing a lot of reading about them. I’m trying to find one that feels right for our family. My main thought is that I’d want an app that helps me guide them rather than just spy on them. I think features like time limits and maybe filtering out inappropriate websites would be a blessing. Most importantly, I’d want to be able to set different rules for each grandchild based on their age and maturity, so it feels fair and tailored to them. Does anyone have recommendations for an app that’s easy for a grandparent to use and is good for managing a couple of kids?
Honestly, though, the best tip I’ve discovered is simply talking. I make a point to have one-on-one time with each of my grandkids and ask them about what games they’re playing or what funny videos they’ve seen. It opens the door for bigger conversations and helps me understand their individual worlds.
Thanks for bringing this up, Liam. It’s a conversation we all need to have.
Warmly,
Danielle R. Newman
Hi Liam, I appreciate your honesty—admitting this challenge is already a positive step! I agree with others here who mentioned giving each child individual attention and listening carefully to them. In my own family, I’m pretty strict with phone usage and social media—everyone follows the same rules, regardless of age or personality. For example, devices are off an hour before bed and phones stay out of bedrooms. I believe consistency is key in all areas, not just screen time. I haven’t tried parental control apps yet because I want to keep trust and open conversation, but I’m considering them as the kids get older. Staying fair means treating all your children with the same expectations and respect—helps avoid those feelings of favoritism!
Hello Liam, I completely understand your concern—it’s so important to treat our grandchildren fairly while still supporting their unique needs. I’m not very tech-savvy, but one simple tip I’ve found helpful is setting clear and equal screen time rules for each child. Also, having open conversations about feelings can really help. I haven’t tried any parental control apps yet but would love recommendations on ones that help maintain fairness without being too complicated. Looking forward to hearing what others suggest!
Hi Liam, great question! To avoid favoritism, it’s important to give each child individual attention and praise based on their unique qualities. Make sure to distribute chores and privileges fairly, rather than equally, based on each child’s needs and abilities. Consistently reinforce the idea that every child’s strengths and contributions are valued. Open communication is key—talk with your kids about fairness and encourage empathy. By maintaining transparency and being mindful of your actions, you can help foster a healthy, balanced family environment. Keep up the thoughtful approach!