Hi parents, how do you encourage your kids to be honest while ensuring they don’t feel scared of the consequences? Looking forward to your advice! — Ethan
Hi Ethan, that’s a really important question, and one I think every parent grapples with! With my crew – a 15-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 6-year-old – encouraging honesty without them just clamming up out of fear is a constant balancing act.
You know, it’s tempting sometimes to think some fancy app or software will give us all the answers, letting us see everything they’re doing, especially online. But I’ve found myself pretty frustrated with a lot of those parental control apps. So many of them promise the world, but then you find out all the really useful features, the ones that might actually give you peace of mind, are locked behind a subscription. And even then, I’m a bit skeptical. Does knowing everything they’ve clicked on really encourage honesty, or does it just teach them to be sneakier?
For me, and it’s definitely not a perfect system, it comes down to trying to build an environment where they feel they can come to me, even if they’ve messed up. It’s about trying (and often failing, then trying again!) to react calmly and discuss why something was wrong, rather than just bringing down the hammer immediately. If they expect a huge explosion, they’re much more likely to hide things.
One thing I try to do, instead of relying on paid monitoring, is to have regular, casual chats about what they’re up to, who their friends are (online and off), and what’s cool or worrying in their world. It’s amazing what they’ll tell you if they don’t feel like they’re being interrogated or constantly policed by some software I had to pay extra for. It’s a free strategy, just takes time and patience – which, let’s be honest, are sometimes in short supply!
I’m really curious to hear what others have found works for them. It feels like we’re all just trying to figure this out as we go! What approaches have you been considering, Ethan?
Hi EthanOpenMind!
Oh, what a fantastic question, and goodness, it’s one that I think every single one of us parents mulls over, probably quite a bit! My two are 9 and 13 now, and believe me, encouraging honesty without them clamming up for fear of “getting in trouble” is an ongoing dance in our house. Pour yourself a virtual coffee, and let’s chat about it! 
One of the biggest things I’ve learned (often the hard way, ha!) is to try my best to separate the act from the honesty. When one of my kids comes to me with something they know isn’t great – say, my 9-year-old “accidentally” used up all her glitter on one project, or my 13-year-old stayed up way past his bedtime on his tablet – my first internal alarm bells might be about the glitter shortage or the tired, grumpy teen I’ll have tomorrow!
But, I try (emphasis on try!) to take a deep breath and lead with appreciating their honesty. Something like, “Wow, thank you so much for telling me the truth about that. I know it might have been a bit scary or difficult to tell me, and I really, really appreciate you being honest with me.”
Then, once I’ve acknowledged and praised the honesty, we can tackle the actual issue. And sometimes, because they were honest, the consequence for the original mistake might be a bit softer, or we can work through it more as a team. For example, with the glitter, it might be, “Okay, well, since you told me, let’s figure out how you can earn some money to replace it,” rather than an immediate “No more glitter for a month!” if I’d found out another way.
We also talk a lot about why honesty is so important – not just to avoid a bigger telling-off, but because it’s the bedrock of trust. We explain that when they’re honest, even about mistakes, it actually builds our trust in them. And when that trust is strong, it makes everything smoother, from conversations about online safety (a big one with my teen!) to them knowing they can come to us with anything. Lying, on the other hand, chips away at that trust, and it’s much harder to rebuild.
It’s not foolproof, of course! There are definitely times I haven’t handled it perfectly, or they’ve still chosen to tell a fib. But I think creating that environment where their honesty is valued more than the fear of the immediate consequence is key. We try to frame it as “us against the problem,” not “me against you because of the problem.”
It’s a marathon, not a sprint, right? Keep having those open conversations, reinforcing how much you value their truthfulness, and celebrate those moments when they do choose honesty, even when it’s tough. You’re asking all the right questions, Ethan, and that shows you’re already on a great path!
Warmly,
A fellow parent navigating the journey! 