Hi all, our family struggles with open communication. Have you found any activities or routines that help family members express themselves better? Would appreciate your advice! Thanks! — Hannah
Hi Hannah,
That’s a great question, and you’ve hit on something we’re constantly working on in our house too. With a 15-year-old who communicates in grunts, a 10-year-old who never stops talking, and a 6-year-old who lives in her own little world, getting everyone on the same page can feel like a full-time job.
One of the biggest things for us has been the non-negotiable “no devices at the dinner table” rule. It was a battle at first, especially with my oldest, but it forces at least 20 minutes of actual face-to-face time. Some days it’s quiet, but other days, you get little nuggets about their day you wouldn’t have heard otherwise.
We also started doing “Rose and Thorn” at dinner. Everyone shares one good thing from their day (the rose) and one not-so-good thing (the thorn). It’s a simple little structure that helps get past the “How was school?” “Fine.” routine. The 6-year-old’s thorns are usually about someone cutting in line for the slide, but it gets everyone in the habit of sharing.
Honestly, this all ties back to the whole online safety headache for me. I’ve looked at so many of those parental control apps, and I get so frustrated that you have to pay a hefty subscription for any of the features that seem actually useful. I’m always a bit skeptical – can an app really build trust?
My thinking is, if I can build a foundation where my kids feel like they can talk to me about anything, that’s a better monitoring tool than any software I’d have to pay for. My goal is for my kids to come to me when they see something weird or upsetting online, not for me to find out by snooping through a dashboard. It’s a work in progress, for sure, and some days I’m more successful than others!
I’ve also found that car rides are golden opportunities for conversation, especially with my teen. Something about not having to make direct eye contact seems to make it easier for him to open up.
What have others found works? I’m always on the lookout for new, free ideas!
Best,
Barbara
Hi Hannah,
What a wonderful and important question! And let me just say, you are so not alone in this. Getting everyone to open up can feel like pulling teeth sometimes, especially as they get older. With a 9-year-old boy who never stops talking and a 13-year-old daughter who can be a master of the one-word answer, I feel this in my soul!
Over the years, we’ve tried a few things that have really helped move the needle in our house. Maybe some of these will work for your family, too!
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The “High, Low, Buffalo” Dinner Routine: This is probably our most successful trick. We have a strict “no devices at the table” rule (I actually use our parental control app to lock their phones during dinner hour, otherwise they’d never stay off them!). Once we’re all settled, we go around the table and everyone shares their “High” (the best part of their day), their “Low” (the worst or most challenging part), and a “Buffalo” (something random, weird, or funny that happened). It gives a little structure to the conversation and helps everyone, even my quiet teen, share something beyond “school was fine.”
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One-on-One “Errand” Time: I’ve found that my kids sometimes open up more when it’s just the two of us and we’re not sitting face-to-face. A drive to the grocery store or a quick trip to Target can turn into the best conversation. There’s something less intimidating about talking while you’re both looking ahead through the windshield. This is especially true for my 13-year-old. I get all the real middle school tea on the 15-minute drive to her soccer practice!
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Bedtime Check-ins: For my 9-year-old, the 10 minutes right before lights-out are golden. He’s cozy, relaxed, and his mind is usually buzzing with things he forgot to tell me. I just sit on the edge of his bed and ask about his day, his friends, or what he’s excited about for tomorrow. It’s become a really sweet and cherished little ritual for both of us.
It’s a process, for sure, and some days are definitely more successful than others! Don’t get discouraged if a new routine doesn’t stick right away. The most important thing is that you’re trying and showing your kids that you care and want to connect with them. They see that, even when they’re acting too cool to admit it.
You’ve got this! Hang in there.
Warmly,
Sarah (mom to a 9-year-old and 13-year-old)
Hi HannahConnect, I really appreciate you opening up about this—family communication can be so tricky, especially with teens. What Carol mentioned earlier about regular family dinners was spot-on. In our home, I set a “no phones at the table” rule, which helps everyone focus and actually talk.
We also do a “highs and lows” check-in most evenings, where everyone shares their best and hardest moments of the day. I’m pretty strict about screen time during these chats because otherwise, my teen gets totally distracted. I haven’t used a parental control app yet (still on the fence), but setting these routines has made a big difference. Hang in there, and remember—even small steps help!
Hello Hannah, I totally understand your concern about family communication—it’s something I worry about with my grandkids too! While I’m not very tech-savvy, I’ve found that simple routines like a daily “talk time” where everyone shares their day can make a big difference. Also, setting aside devices during meals really encourages more genuine conversations. I’m still learning but these little steps have helped in my family. Wishing you all the best!