Hi everyone, sibling arguments are common in my household. Do you have any tips or strategies to manage these conflicts effectively? Thanks in advance! — Sarah
Hi Sarah,
That’s a great question, and one I hear from so many families in my work as a school counselor. It’s a timeless challenge, but one that has taken on a new dimension in our digital age. So often now, the arguments I help mediate aren’t just about sharing toys, but about sharing tablets, screen time, or what happens online.
From my perspective, many modern sibling conflicts either start or get worse in the digital realm. Here are a few strategies that can help manage these specific types of arguments, while also building healthier habits for the whole family:
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Create a Family Media Agreement: Instead of you being the constant referee, sit down together as a family and create a written agreement about technology use. This is a fantastic way to foster open communication. Let your children have a voice in setting the rules for things like:
- How much screen time each person gets per day.
- Which times of day are “tech-free” (like during dinner or the hour before bed).
- Rules about not looking at a sibling’s private messages or posting photos of them without permission.
When everyone agrees to the rules beforehand, it reduces the “it’s not fair!” arguments because you can all refer back to the agreement you created together.
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Use Tools to Support Your Rules, Not Replace Your Parenting: This is where parental control apps can be a helpful tool, but it’s important to frame them correctly. I always advise parents to think of them not as a way to “spy,” but as a way to help everyone stick to the family agreement. When you’re looking at these apps, focus on features that support fairness and reduce conflict, such as:
- Individual Time Limits: The ability to set different time limits for each child based on their age and responsibilities can prevent arguments over whose turn it is or who used the device longer. The app impartially shuts things down, so you don’t have to be the “bad guy.”
- Content Filtering: This can ensure a younger sibling isn’t accessing apps or content that is appropriate for an older one, preventing arguments about what they’re allowed to see or do.
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Teach Digital Empathy and Conflict Resolution: When an argument happens over a text message or a comment on social media, the lack of face-to-face cues can make things escalate quickly. Use these moments as a teaching opportunity. Encourage your children to pause and talk things out in person. Ask questions like, “How do you think your brother felt when he read that text?” or “What’s a better way you could have expressed that you were upset?” This teaches them that the rules of kindness and respect apply online just as much as they do offline.
A common concern I hear from parents is that using an app to monitor or set limits feels like an invasion of privacy. That’s a valid worry. The key is transparency. By creating the Family Media Agreement together and explaining that the app is there to help everyone follow the rules you all agreed on, it becomes less about surveillance and more about creating a fair and safe digital environment for the whole family. It’s a tool to support the trust and communication you’re already building.
Ultimately, the goal is to give your children the skills to navigate conflict respectfully on their own, whether it’s in the living room or in a group chat.
Best of luck,
Deborah McGrane
School Counselor
Hi Sarah, and welcome!
Oh my goodness, I feel this post in my bones. Sibling arguments are basically the soundtrack to my life some afternoons, LOL! You’ve definitely come to the right place, because this is a struggle every parent knows all too well.
With my two, a 13-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter, the dynamic is always changing. He’s deep in his teen years and wants his space and privacy, and she just wants to be his best friend and do everything he’s doing. It’s a classic recipe for bickering!
Over the years, I’ve tried a bunch of things, and here are a few that have actually helped (most of the time, anyway!):
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The “Cool-Down Corner”: When things get really heated and voices start rising, I’ve found that trying to solve the problem in that moment is impossible. So, I call for a “cool-down.” It’s not a punishment or a time-out, but just a chance for everyone to reset. I’ll say something like, “Okay, I can see we have some really big feelings right now. Let’s all take five minutes in our own spaces to breathe, and then we’ll come back together and talk about this calmly.” It’s amazing what a few minutes apart can do.
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I’m a Sportscaster, Not a Referee: This was a game-changer for me. Instead of immediately jumping in to solve the problem (which usually just makes one kid mad at me!), I try to narrate what I’m seeing without judgment. “I see two kids who both want to use the same gaming console. Liam, your face looks really frustrated. And Maya, I can hear in your voice that you feel left out.” Sometimes just helping them identify their own feelings and hear the other’s perspective is enough for them to start finding their own solution.
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Tackle the Root Cause: I noticed a HUGE number of our arguments were over screens – whose turn it was, who got more time, etc. I was constantly playing timer and bad guy. Honestly, getting a parental control app to manage their screen time has been a lifesaver. We set up schedules for each of them, and the app handles the limits. It took me out of the equation and became a neutral party. There’s way less for them to argue about when the rules are clear and consistent!
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Hold Family Meetings: For those recurring arguments that never seem to go away, we’ll have a quick family meeting. We set a timer for 10 minutes, everyone gets a chance to talk without being interrupted, and we try to brainstorm a solution together. It gives them a sense of ownership over the solution and shows them that their opinions matter.
It’s all trial and error, and some days are definitely harder than others. The goal isn’t to eliminate arguments completely (that’s impossible!), but to give them the tools to handle their disagreements more constructively as they get older.
Hang in there! You’re doing a great job just by being mindful and seeking out new strategies. You’ve got this!
Warmly,
Jenna
Hi Sarah, thanks for opening up about sibling arguments—it’s definitely something many of us deal with! I really appreciated your honesty. In my house, I try to establish clear rules about phone and social media use, which helps prevent tech-fueled arguments. For example, phones go away during meals and before bedtime, so we’re more present with each other. I haven’t yet used a parental control app because I prefer honest conversations over strict monitoring, but I’m considering it as my teen gets older. One tip: encourage your kids to talk through their issues offline, face-to-face, instead of venting online. It’s far from perfect, but it seems to reduce tension. Has anyone else noticed tech adding fuel to arguments?
Hello Sarah, I completely understand your concerns about sibling arguments—I’ve been there with my grandkids too! While I’m not very tech-savvy, I’ve found that setting clear boundaries and having open conversations helps a lot. I also try to encourage them to talk about their feelings calmly. I haven’t tried any apps for this yet, but I’m curious if others have? Thanks for bringing this up!